I Am Not Immortal
by Errie Wyvern
Summary: How many times has Kikyou tried to die? How many times has she failed? Not Kikyou bashing, but more of an understanding fic. Character Study.


A/N: This is not a Kikyou bashing story. I don't necessarily like Kikyou as a character, but I see potential for development that everyone else seems to miss. I also noticed that in everything Inuyasha that I've seen/read, nothing is mentioned about Kikyou and Kaede's childhood or parents. I see Kikyou as maybe a tortured soul who tried to find peace for a very long time. This story does deal with suicide attempts, and to keep it safe for later chapters the rating is 'R'.  
  
The first time was at ten. She didn't know anything about Inuyasha, youkai, or Shikon no Tama. She knew she was different, older than the other children. She knew that she would grow to become something great, something powerful. She also knew that great and powerful could easily become hate and greed.  
  
She didn't want to grow.  
  
Kikyou went home that night, speaking in a quiet voice to her mother, who was playing with Kadae, that she was going out to gather more wood for the fire. Her mother told her, absently, to be careful and to run home at the first sign of trouble. Kikyou had bowed, her mother never noticing the sharp sharp blade hidden up her sleeve.  
  
In the forest, Kikyou had sat down against Goshinboku. The ten-year-old child wasn't really aware of the hungry eyes that watched from the branches. Even if she had been, it was doubtful that she would even have cared. The blade, which was ironically from one of her father's hunting arrows, made a slight mark in her wrist. She winced but did not make a noise. The creature could not wait a moment longer, throwing itself down and advancing on the child.  
  
Kikyou was angered. She was only ten, but she wanted to end her own life! She did not want anything else to have that privilege. She saw the creature advancing; it's fangs dripping saliva. Its hot, putrid breath caressed her face, making her wrinkle her nose and gag. When it pounced, she threw her hand out in front of her.  
  
It wasn't really that strange for a beam of lilac light to pour out and destroy the youkai. It wasn't that strange at all.  
  
Out of the bushes stepped a young woman. She had long black hair pulled back and wide brown eyes. She was dressed as a miko. The woman bent down and plucked the arrowhead from Kikyou's hands. Winking at the child, she fit the arrow in her bow, drew, and fired it into the bushes. There was a flash of brilliant light, and the howl of a demon no longer allowed life.  
  
The woman walked back over to Kikyou and bent down. She smiled as she said, in a soft, lilting voice, "Hello. My name is Atsuko. I'm going to show you your future, little miko." She then grasped Kikyou's blood- covered little hand in her larger, smoother one and helped her up. "We'll be leaving now. Say good-bye to your old life, little one. You'll be starting a new one with me."  
  
Kikyou looked at Atsuko solemnly. She blinked a few times, looked down at her hands, and then proceeded the stand next to the miko. "Let us go then."  
  
~**~  
  
She had not attempted to take her life for two more years. She had learned to harness her power quickly with Atsuko. The older miko proved to be a patient but strong teacher. She would not let Kikyou by with a lazy shot from her bow, or a messy handling of her power.  
  
Atsuko, herself, was a very kind person. She loved many people, and many people were fond of her in return. Kikyou and Atsuko had walked for many weeks before they had reached Atsuko's town. The villagers had welcomed them both with open arms and open hearts. Kikyou had been amazed at the love that poured from the people.  
  
Still Kikyou did not play with the other children. Atsuko frowned and told Kikyou to go play. Kikyou had only looked at her with old eyes and said she wished to learn her power. Atsuko did not wish to understand it, that look in the eyes of the old child. And the first few weeks after bringing Kikyou to her home, it didn't even faze her.  
  
Atsuko had always been well loved by her people. She had no doubt that if she had not chosen the life of a miko, she would be wed with several children by now. She was not a very large girl. In fact, one might of described her appearance as delicate. She was too small to be a twenty- five year old woman. Atsuko had large, warm eyes and a river of inky hair. She never changed out of her miko clothing, even when going into town on calm days. Her body would've fit a kimono perfectly, and several of the women in the village had offered to make her kimono, free of charge.  
  
Atsuko would only smile; buy the herbs she had run out of, and say that she had everything that she needed. Kikyou was always with her when she went shopping. When the subject of having all she needed came up, Atsuko would always capture and squeeze Kikyou's hand.  
  
One not so special day, Atsuko and Kikyou were in the forest. Kikyou had just gotten her first set of miko hakama and haori. She was being careful with the red and white fabric, not wanting to soil it on the dirt and moss. Kikyou was selecting only the best quality herbs in the forest, which meant that she had a little less than a handful. Atsuko was on the other end of the small clearing when she heard a rustle in the bushes.  
  
Quickly drawing her bow, she aimed it in at the bush that had moved. As the arrow flew, a wolf youkai jumped out from behind Atsuko and raked its claws along her back. She screamed and Kikyou drew her smaller bow. She managed to hit the youkai in the shoulder. It howled and limped off into the woods. Kikyou stood still for a moment before turning to look at the cliff that overlooked the clearing.  
  
There stood a tall, handsome and proud youkai. He was wolf, she could tell. But also, the other youkai seemed to cluster around him, making him seem wise and grand. He must've been their leader.  
  
A strong wind swept through Kikyou's hair, winding up to the cliff, brushing just under the nose of the leader. His eyes opened and looked straight at Kikyou. She stood tall and proud while his slate blue eyes narrowed and he turned to his cohorts. They all turned as one to look at her before running east. She assumed they were going home. After all, Kikyou was still an innocent twelve-year-old girl.  
  
The youkai jumped off his perch to the clearing below. His eyes, while the color of the sky, were flatter than a single sheet of rice paper. He leaned in close to her, and she didn't believe that she'd seen anything else so beautiful in her entire life. He sniffed her face, his small breaths tickling her nose and cheek. She closed her eyes for a moment, relishing in the feel of someone else, anything else, appreciating her.  
  
Her eyes snapped open when she felt his talons caressing her chin. His face was a few inches away from hers, his slate eyes staring into her russet ones. His lips pressed very gently against hers, the lightest of kisses. Her eyes closed as he held his lips there for a few more seconds before pulling away and staring at her for a few minutes. There was a groan, and Atsuko, with her bloodstained haori, stood. Her gentle brown eyes hardened with hate, worry and pain. One word escaped her lips as a growl.  
  
"Kouga."  
  
He smirked in her direction before looking down at Kikyou, tucking a piece of silky hair behind her ear and running off into the forest. Atsuko just looked at Kikyou and told her to go home.  
  
~*~  
  
Kouga's wolves were smarter than originally thought. Atsuko's wounds never began to heal. They had torn ligaments and even scored a few vertebrae. For weeks, Atsuko lay on the floor of their simple hut, wincing and shaking in pain. It was all she could do to eat the simplest of foods and drink a minimum of water. She had to have her back exposed at all times, and she had begun to smell worse for wear.  
  
Kikyou put a new poultice on Atsuko's wounds every day. Atsuko's body had begun to fail. She slept less and groaned more. Coughing fits came at all times, bringing up blood that should've never been in her lungs. Atsuko's once warm eyes now rested like cold daggers on Kikyou at all times. Kikyou could not bring herself to look into the older miko's eyes.  
  
"Atsuko..."  
  
"Sempai." Kikyou looked up in shock. Never before had Atsuko been this formal with her.  
  
"Sempai, are you going to die?" Kikyou bent her head respectfully, resting her chin on her chest. The sound of creaking joints and tearing flesh met her ears. Kikyou looked up, horrified.  
  
Atsuko was standing, leaning against a wall with her chest heaving. The blood ran through her haori, down her legs and onto the packed earth of the hut. It darkened Atsuko's hair by three shades of black and brought fresh tears to Kikyou's eyes. When the older miko looked up, her eyes were narrowed in hate and pain. Face twisted into an ugly grimace, she spat, "Stupid child! You are nothing more than a youkai's whore. What do you care that Kouga's dog did this to me?!" Atsuko reached to her shoulder and brought away a hand covered in stinking blood. She threw some and it splattered on Kikyou's face and white haori.  
  
Kikyou recoiled, both from fright and disgust. The blood had begun to rot, and had also begun to stink very badly. She lifted the sleeve of her haori to wipe off her face and Atsuko took a shaky step towards her. "Disgusting child! Leave this place, this town, forever! You will never be a miko, only Kouga's whore!"  
  
Flinching, Kikyou picked herself up and ran out of the hut, throwing back the screen and messing the tatami. She slipped her shaking feet into her sandals and took off through the town. It was night.  
  
She ran through the forest and onto the same cliff that Kouga had stood on not three weeks ago. She threw herself down on the ground and cried. Atsuko's angry, painful face swam in her vision every time she opened her eyes.  
  
This was the beginning of the second attempt.  
  
Kikyou picked herself up, telling herself that she was a miko and that she'd be one no matter what Atsuko said. It was only the pain that made her say those things. She was delusional and had lashed out at the first living thing in the hut. That thing just happened to be Kikyou. But, even with the reassurances in her head, the young miko's feet slid closer to the edge of the cliff. A youkai such as Kouga could easily survive jumping from a height such as this.  
  
Frail human bodies, however, were not made for such ordeals.  
  
She looked over the edge, seeing the forest and village that had been her home not two hours ago. A single tear dripped off her chin to fall to the ground below. Her feet shuffled closer, bringing up slight puffs of dirt and covering her ripped and torn sandals. Her feet had not withstood the briars in the forest and were bleeding sluggishly.  
  
Another shuffle and she was flying. =^-^= Pages: 4 Words: 1,881 Paragraphs: 37 


End file.
